after the show with Jean

I so appreciate Jean for sharing her life with us today, taking time out from clearing soggy boxes out of her basement to call in and talk for a while on Talking Stick Radio this morning.

Jean shared about cleansing and clearing, about the washed-out Colorado roads, about integration and how it’s not really “releasing,” but it is…and it’s not really “integrating,” but it is…it’s a simple choosing it, and allowing it…like ice melting in a glass of water.

What a beautiful metaphor; a stuck aspect is like a separated fragment of ourselves that might hurt us, we imagine, but it really won’t; it’s only an illusion.  She noticed a stuck aspect beginning to form in herself, one of “I’m not so sure I want to go to bed tonight!  What if I wake up to more bad news tomorrow like I did this morning?”…and part of herself stayed in that fear.

Like inviting the ice cube to melt into a glass of water, she invited that little frozen part of herself in…and allowed it to release itself, release the form that it was taking, to merge back in with all of who She is.

Ice melting into allowingness…rivers running out of their banks, carving new pathways down mountainsides, tearing right through old structures that seemed so safe, so solid, so reliable, so dependable, like roads built of concrete…road foundations, in places, completely gone now…and what will take their place?

We talked about the idea of “listening to yourself” and how that will be an area for more exploration.  When I’d studied mediation and conflict resolution until I thought I’d read just about everything there was to read about it, and took it all inside and worked on synthesizing it all, and wanted to understand it so deeply, so thoroughly, that I could tell a 2-year-old what “conflict resolution” was…what I came up with was one word:  listen.

Listen.

Listen to the world around you.  Listen to the person who’s so mad at you, across the table from you.  Pay attention to the messages that come in to you, because they’re streaming in constantly:  can you listen?  Can you listen openly to the messages, no matter what form they take?  Maybe the messages come in the form of a bug crawling across the floor, an eagle circling in the sky, clouds in the shape of your dog’s head, a snippet of conversation overheard at Wal-Mart.

For the past ten years I’ve been asking myself:  how can I better listen to myself?  Because I could see that the message I was getting from my outer world was that I needed to listen…to me.  This is an area I’d like to explore more in the future because I agree with Jean:  this will be very important to us.

Jean kept the boxes in her basement “just in case,” she said, and even a year ago she got rid of all the boxes she’d kept “just in case we have to move out of this house.”  But more boxes took their place…and those were the ones she was carrying upstairs and out of the house for good, today.  “When we need them, we’ll have them.”

Now, that’s living in the now moment:  knowing that what I need to know, I will know when I need to know it; what I need to have, I will have, when I need to have it.  That is total and complete trust, and not living in the fear of  the past, or the fear of the future, of “will I have enough of this?  Oh, maybe I’d better save up…”

Now she has no choice:  the boxes have to go.

And with them goes the fear…replacing the fear, the New Energy that’s come in is trust in the now moment.

I released some energies myself this week and stepped into the un-knowingness of what the radio show will be…released the structure of the show, and opened myself up to Whatever Is, Is.  I told the story on air of knowing I needed to take new pictures of my talking stick, needed to do some intentional recalibration, and when I’d taken all the pictures and felt good about that, and opened up my car door to put my camera away, there was the reminder:  use your tobacco.  This is a Native process:  honor the Native way, and use your tobacco.

So I did.  I returned to the circle of the clan men sculptures and offered a little bit of tobacco in front of each one of them, expressing my gratitude for all of life, for being in this Now Moment.  Begin with gratitude.  This is the Native way.

In the Native way I was taught, Tobacco is for what you want to let go of, and Cedar is for what you want to bring in, the good things, to replace what you’ve let go of;  Sage is for clearing negativity, and Sweetgrass is for bringing in positive support from the spirit world.  When the tobacco burns, it burns out anything we release; bringing in cedar, we make tangible what it is we choose to bring in.

So now as we’re noticing what’s going, what’s clearing, what’s releasing, now as we’re taking the literal and the figurative soggy boxes out of our basements because we don’t need them anymore and really they CAN’T be there now…it’s no longer appropriate for fear in any disguise to be a part of our lives…how do we go on from here?  What replaces the fear?  What replaces broken roads, truckloads of busted cement, downed trees, piles of mud that don’t belong there?

***

What do we want to see created in our own lives now?

I choose balance.  I choose joy.  I choose new life, play, vigor, curiosity, and child-like simplicity.

***

This morning, moments before the show started, I was out walking my very big black dog around the little reservation town where I live.  Kids were everywhere…grandmas pushing grandchildren in strollers, kids on bikes over here, kids playing ball over there, kids on skateboards back there.  The four little boys on bikes wanted to pet my dog.  But they were a little bit afraid.  Actually they encouraged the littlest one on his tiny little bike to be the first to touch Kona, but it ended up none of them were brave enough to touch this big black furry dog that looks like a way overgrown teddy bear.

cottonwoods

Right there where we stopped to let the kids on bikes meet Kona, I had to stop and take a picture of two little bitty cottonwood trees poking up through the pavement at the edge of the sidewalk.

I hadn’t seen these two little guys before, just two little cottonwood trees with trunks like a thick red thread.

This is the beginning of the New, right here.  New Energy is poking up through the most impossible little crevice, saying IT’S ME!!!  LOOK AT ME!!!  I EXIST!!!!  I AM HERE!!!!  LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL GREEN LEAVES!!!!  I LOVE THE RAIN, I LOVE THE SUN, I LOVE THE BREEZE, I LOVE THE CHILDREN, I LOVE THE DOG THAT JUST PEED ON ME…I AM!

And that’s how we go forward.  Living fully in I AM.

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